Let’s face it; there aren’t many people out there who enjoy their jobs. However, if your one of the lucky ones (like me *snigger*) who enjoys their job then take heed of my advice!

I present to you a list of the 7 biggest offences that will have your boss whipping out a gross misconduct form quicker than a prostitute taking a 20 out of your hands whilst pulling her knickers to the side!

Let the countdown begin!

7. Stealing Office Supplies.

It’s something so fickle; yet something that cost’s businesses a fortune every year. I know everyone takes the odd pad of paper or a Bic biro home from time to time cause they happened to “forget” it was in their bag; but when you decide to move up to packs of A4 paper for the photocopier, a pack of 20 Tipex and one of those A3 hole punchers just cause you might need it one day then you know you have problems.

At my old place someone got sacked on the spot cause they tried to take one of the company’s corporate coffee canteens home. You know the ones; they are used during meetings and training sessions and is about the size of a small boy! AND he tried hiding it under his jacket.

Not a smart move.

6. Being Abusive About Your Superiors.

I love this one. Huddled around the coffee machine and basically partaking in one of those marathon style office events’ that only seems to get you more annoyed – The Bitch Fest!

Your boss just asked you to write out a 30 page report on the “Degenerative State of the Current Cotton Picker Resource Market and Environment” and has given you exactly 1 hour to do it in. So instead of getting your head down and getting on with it you spend the first 20 minutes huffing, puffing and muttering about how you are better than this. Then you go to get back up by joining your colleagues for “the huddle” at the coffee machine. Numerous stories are exchanged about how your boss is a complete and utter fucktarded cuntstick, his ability to make any comment you say seem inferior and maladjusted & how you think he swings in the direction of being sexually involved with the dead!

BANG! That last comment was overheard by the boss and you are quickly on your way to the unemployment line and the only thing you are concerned about is missing the deadline for that kickass report you were going to write 

5. Sleeping With the Office Junior at the Christmas Party.

Now this one isn’t that bad, unless the Office Junior is connected to the Company Secretary through some business deal that involved him and her dad crossing paths in a pub drinking session that went out of control when a sheep accidentally got sacrificed and threw onto a passing police patrol car.

Nope, it doesn’t matter that she was just caught with your meatstick so far down her throat that the German’s were thinking of making the Bratwurst longer “because the Brit’s are obviously hungry”; what matters is that the Company Secretary thinks it will be bad for the company because the Junior’s father is an influential businessman.

It doesn’t matter how much you protest that she whipped out your milkybar and you could do nothing about it apart from holding the back of her head to get it deeper; it simply won’t save you from being ejected from the office party with a box of your neatly packed belongings.

4. Badmouthing a client.

Under no circumstances should you refer to the client, who lets not forget supplies the work that pays for your wages, as a retarded fuckstick incapable of breathing in and out without the aid of a post-it note stapled to the back of their hands to remind them.

The client WILL find out. And 99/100 times it’s because you included them in an internal mail that either:
a – Badmouth’s them.
b – Makes fun of their sad attempt at a toupé.
c – Has a badmouthing comment attached to the message history that you forgot to erase because you are an idiot!

Let’s face it; we all know someone who has done this. Hell, it might even be you reading this.

3. Having Personal Hygiene That Would Make A Hippo Smell Like a Branch of The Body Shop.

I can categorically guarantee you that there is someone reading this blog right now that has this problem, or is sitting very close to someone with this affliction. I should know, because I was sitting close to someone in a past job who had it.

It’s not nice, and it’s most certainly not endearing. From personal experience I can tell you that working in an office of 60+ people per floor with an air conditioning unit that is about as reliable as a copy of Windows Vista on a 486 system in the middle of the largest heat wave in British history is not a nice experience; especially when you are sat next to the company whale with the BO and “shower-evasion” problem who insists on wearing her thickest knee-length wool cardigan because she’s “a bit chilly”.

If I wanted to smell an indoor fish monger that was setup inside a range rover with its engines running and all its windows wound up and sat on the top of the multi story car park in said heat wave, then I would have done!

Needless to say, that heat wave caused enough of an uproar about the Cardigan Penguin (as we dubbed her) that bosses had no choice but to issue a P45 (Pinkslip to the Americans ;))

Let that be a warning to you; use deodorant!

2. Looking at Porn Using the Work’s Computers.

This is one that happens time and time again! Whether you have your hand down your kek’s when you are caught in the act doesn’t really seem to matter nowadays. What does seem to matter is what was on your screen!

Forget the obvious one that is child porn. No, No, we are talking about something far more damaging to your reputation; the type of porn you were looking at!

How will you be remembered will be based purely on the gross act that was displayed on your screen when you got busted! All the rumours will fly: “I heard it was granny porn; I heard it was a midget mounting a 7ft black guy with a strap on that looked like it was made from a plaster of paris mould taken from a donkey” Or would it be something more sinister you kinky devil?

God only knows what thought’s you have in your mind but I think the worst thing I could come up with at this moment in time could be a mass orgy where a 20 year old Studly Goodfuck in a gimp mask and cockring is on a table surrounded by a circle of 80+ year old grannies on their backs with their heads closest to him in a kind of artistic sunburst effect and then proceeds to teabag each and every one of them before being taken roughly by the leader of the wrinkly brigade with strap on’s whilst the others follow suit and form a Studfuck train!

Try describing that one to the girlfriend when she screams at you “They can’t sack you for just using the internet at work; what were you looking at!?”

1. Having Sex with the Bosses Wife on His Desk!

And we arrive at the ultimate sackable offence! This one could even end up with worse consequences; mainly involving severance of pension, penis or head!

If you hate your job that much then I can think of nothing better than seducing the wife of your workaholic boss and finding out that she is a freaky nymphomaniac who thinks nothing of having sex with strangers in a dogging patch whilst having anal beads ripped out of her anus whilst her other two orifices are filled with things so thick that Arnie’s forearms look like a string or liquorices compared!

Coaxing her into “popping into the office” after hours one night whilst her hubby (your boss remember) thinks she is down Tesco buying some holly and walnut’s for the forthcoming Christmas Party (should you have survived tip 5 ;)) should be relatively simple.

However, getting caught astride the bosses wife whilst she is on all fours dripping bodily fluids on the company accounts with your dick in her arse whilst she screams “(insert bosses name here) can’t get anywhere as deep as you have; fuck me studly!” should be the most single gratifying moment of your career. Oh, and hearing your ball’s slapping offer your bosses wife’s rudey bits!

Well, I say your career. I mean the one you had since you obviously hadn’t read this post and taken my advice

Take Care