>компютри since we created this blog I am always amazed at how stupid people can be when it comes to getting sacked. Yes, their are the really harsh sackings that we have all heard of but we don’t want to hear about those. I’ve decided to come up with my top 5 stupid sackable offences to share with you all.

If you want to use it as a list to categorise stupidity or as a list to give your life some guidance and something to aim for - that’s entirely your choice.

On with the show….

Well, I’ve not posted for a while, and I have been really busy trying to not get sacked.

Today I looked at my inbound links and I noticed I had a shitload of inbound links with poker related anchor text. Turn’s out there was a hack for Wordpress that allowed someone to takeover your blog and edit your content and add pages - quite a nice hack at that. Adding sneaky links on your pages that remained hidden yet the big Google would see it etc etc. I won’t bore you with my SEO experience

Anyways, I have updated the Wordpress blog to the latest version, stripped the crappy content about poker and generally tidied up a bit

Have fun.

This has totally perplexed me! As a regular commuter on Britain’s public transport I thought I had seen it all:

• people being sick on the last bus home after a night out
• people having a full blown argument over the other person failing to ring the bill thus missing their stop
• people asleep
• people having sex on the bus (and not being discreet I might add)

The examples above are to name just a few of course, but you would have thought it would have taken something completely ghastly for me to be shocked. Well, yes, in a way it has.

Imagine getting the bus at 6:15am and to be greeted by the kind of women who are not only ugly when they actually HAVE their makeup on, but are fucking hideous when then DON’T! Yes, I know they have probably had to get their kids ready for school, pack their lunch boxes etc, but this is inexcusable!

You may think I am some kind of sexist pig who is brainwashed by the opressive society that we live in today that thinks women have to wear makeup, look their best and appear sexy at all times. Well, it may surprise you, I am not. The reason I think it is inexcusable is because for some reason I turn into the dressing table that all women who get on public transport without makeup on think is ideal to spray, wipe, drop, and just generally cover in their own makeup!

And before you start, no it is not a cover for my cross-dressing ways. Seriously, the amount of crap that women actually put on their faces is just wrong! One of the numerous women who do it was on the bus this morning and proceeded to cover her face astounded me. She applied what I am led to believe is foundation, then paint her eyes in mascara and eye-liner and smacking her lips with lipstick, lipgloss, lip-pen or whatever. Add to this some blusher and the gallon of perfume that she had to spray AROUND her, not on her, but AROUND her and you have some very fucked off co-passengers.

And this is where it turns ugly. No matter what you say in objection to this practise of dangling a pencil near your eye whilst a bus goes over speed-bumps at 30mph (which I have to admire as just pure skill!) you will always be in the wrong. I will prove this by a perfect multiple choice questionare.

Pick your choice of wording in response to the practise of the lady dousing herself, and you in the process, with perfume, suit-staining foundation and blusher, lipstick and everything else that would convince your girlfriend and/or boss that you have just spent the morning with a prostitute:

1. Excuse me but would you mind having consideration for other passengers in your application of your makeup please.
2. For Fucks Sake you just ruined my best suit you wench!
3. Pardon me, but you appear to have got some on me, would you be more careful please.
4. Lassie, for the love of god stop it - you’ll spoil your summer coat!

This is the point where I would like to say there would be some variation to the response you would get, but I can 100% guarantee that you would get a response along the lines of “pfft” and a look that would only match the look of someone looking at the excrement that had caught on their shoes.

I suppose that this is just a rant. It’s not constructive, it’s not a plea to say “please for the love of god have consideration for your passengers” or just simply an informative post. It’s purely a rant. And the reason for the rant…..

I walked into work with half a container of rouge/blusher shite down my black workpants and it would not wipe/rub off. It looked like I had either spilt prawn mayonnaise down my pants, or I had jizzed on my leg whilst fucking a 1/4 pound of fresh pig carcass!

Yes, it’s been a whole six month’s since I posted on here and that is mainly due to, well, trying to not get sacked. Unfortunately I was but down to redundancy not down to me getting caught with the secretary in the stationary cupboard! Hell, getting sacked for that would have been an achievement - we didn’t have a stationary cupboard. We had a drawer, but that would have just been plain awkward.

Anyways, I will be back posting on here soon, since I have more time, and I shall try to keep you amused with all of the antics I have been getting up to. However, writing CV’s and applying on job websites with silly names really isn’t all that.

It’s like Arnie but with a softer look! Yes, Askimet is now in place on SackableOffence.com and the spam comments has been cut down to the length os Sid’s penis!

Hopefully this wil make Sid post more, and will enable us to see how soft southerners are

I got this email today and to be honest, it was so funny and so appropriate to how I feel when someone asks’s me a common sense question that I just had to share it with you

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was
standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a
dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,
although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it
Works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I’d been
sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
Hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow……….why else would I buy dog food??

The heat is coming as summer is nearing it’s way, but even for spring the weather is curiously warm in the UK. Hell, I nearly broke out my shorts this morning for work, but decided against it.

We don’t have air con in our office atm, and last year we relied on desktop fans to cool us down during the heatwave. This year the boss has acted. Nope, he hasnt bought air-con ’cause he can’t justify the cost (10 people in our building across 2 floors, packed together). However he has bought an industrial fan. It’s big, it’s noisy and it’s cold! Call me ungrateful but this thing just isnt built for an office. It sound’s like a light aircraft taxi-ing. I’ll take it tho, ’cause the alternative is NOTHING.

Either way, we have decided that one day we will come into the office and do a piss take of Blink 182’s piss take of the BeeGees and N-Sync! Yes, white suits and a fan with flowing locks of blonde hair Photo’s will be posted.

Sorry for the lack of posts but fear not, we are not dead!

Sid has been off galavanting round South Africa watching crocodile’s kill zeeba’s and I have been trying to, well, not get sacked! I want to at least be having fun when I get sacked.

The reason for the abscene is because of a highly addictive game called Guitar Hero II on the Xbox 360. Check it out, it rock’s! You even get a guitar to hold!

Anyways, fingers hurt and I smell a pizza in the oven.

I think it is fair to say that anyone who works in a large office with a few employees has encountered these type of frolics before. Yes, i’m referring to hijacking MSN and causing havoc to their friends, work colleagues and bosses! This was rife at one of my previous places of employment, and no I didn’t get sacked for it - lololol.

There are three ways to hijack their MSN:

1. Clone your MSN so that your display name, avatar and even personal message of the day looks the same.
2. Use their password and simply use their MSN.

and my personal favourite:

3. Jumping on their station when they have left it unlocked and gone for their morning toilet trip

The fun that can be had is unparalelled! I know it’s a bit geeky but c’mon, have you never wanted to message your boss and tell him what you really think of his “comedy ties”?

When I used to work at tech-support for one of europe’s largest hosting companies we used to play a very cool trick on fellow members of staff, especially the people that we hated using the power of point 3 above.

When they left their desk and you noticed their station was unlocked you would simply jump on their MSN and change their display name to something offensive like “I like to touch children in their squishy places” and then log them out. And this is where the fun begins. Imagine if you will the victim returning from their toilet break and realising that his/her MSN has been logged out. Was it a network outage, did the connection randomly drop or had you just been hijacked? These prank’s were rife in our office so the answer was probably the latter.

For those that don’t use MSN (:s) it has an option by default that when a user logs in to their account and they are on your contact list a pop up window will display in the bottom right hand corner showing that they haved signed in. This shows their display name. So imagine if you will that you have all your work colleagues, including your bosses (since it’s an office requirement) on your MSN list and you sign in and this beauty of a message pops up on their screen:

At this point they realise that there is absolutely NOTHING that they can do about their display name before the boss sees it because the boss has already seen it, as well as their family, relations, friends and anybody else on their MSN contact list! It’s a comedy classic, you should try it! It had me creased for hours on end.

That’s a simple prank that you can make, but there are better ones.

Changing your MSN so that your Display name, Avatar and even your personal message of the day is exactly the same as your boss and then messaging another random person in the office, or even target them if you are so sinister and vindictive, with some random request can have some hilarious results! Obviously this will only work if they don’t spot your email address at the top of the chat window, so aim to dupe someone with a relatively non-technical personality or someone who is just plain dumb! Hell, if they are this dumb they probably deserve it. hehe.

At the same hosting company we once got one guy (Rob) with a request from our boss to goto the vending machine and get him a Kit-Kat chocolate bar on the sly because he was on a diet and didn’t want anyone to see him get it. Our boss didn’t the office to see him eat it also so the next time he was in the toilet could Rob go into the men’s toilets and slide the kit-kat under the cubicle door. Nothing more was to be said on the matter.

I should also point out that the very same boss is paranoid about what people think about his overly large fat weight problem. Hell He was obese! That’s the best way to describe it. He is constantly on a diet whilst still being the size of a whale and hate’s people tempting him with chocolate or anything that is a “weight-gainer”. So you can imagine his, Rob’s and then our reaction, when he walks into the tech room and bellows: “Who just slid this Kit-Kat under my toilet door?! Is someone being a smart alec?” and Rob stick’s his hand up and says: “You told me to get it for ya” and then continues to tell the office about the fake chatlog and continuing to show it to the boss.

It was a true sidesplitter! Could have been worse had we not reverted our MSN details back

Feel free to post any of your MSN Hijack stories; I might even make a top 10

Got this on an email yesterday and it’s just too good to not share:

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - “And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!”
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - “Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.’
3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - “This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.”
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - “Ah, isn’t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.”
5. US PGA Commentator - “One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ….. Oh my god!! What have I just said??”
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on ‘Time Team Live’ said: “You’d eat beaver if you could get it.”
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, “So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?” Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: “Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.”
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: “There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.”
10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: “Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.”
11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s UK eclipse coverage remarked: “They seem cold out there, they’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his shorts.”
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: “Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.”